Marriage - Family Counseling

I offer help to those who are dealing with Marriage, Blended Families, Couples, Relationship, Child and Family issues and to those who are considering marriage —

• Maintaining healthy relationships
• Developing more effective communication styles
• Pre-marriage counseling
• Dealing with marital conflicts
• Understanding and improving intimacy issues
• Working through trust issues
• Dealing with infidelity
• Verbal or physical spouse abuse
• Recognizing unhealthy relationships
• Considering divorce or separation
• Overcoming gender barriers
• Gay-lesbian-homosexual-bisexual relationship issues
• Blended families and children coping with parental conflict

Marriage Counseling (Couples-Relationships) . . .

Marriage counseling is really different from individual counseling. In individual counseling, the person is usually seen by themselves and the focus is on the issues concerning themselves . . . their thinking, their feelings, and their own issues. In marital counseling, the focus is on the system or "the dance" that they do. I see the "marriage" as "the client," rather than two individuals. The sum is greater than each of the parts.

Couples come to therapy usually with some kind of communication block. Hurt, frustration, distrust and continuous arguments can cause a couple to seek counseling. I help them identify the type of dance that they do. They do the dance unconsciously. One may over-function, while the other under-functions. Or is it that the under-functioning one causes the other to over-function. Systems theory answers with, "yes." They both influence each other rather than "cause" the problem. The dance itself is the problem. They might be headed for separation and divorce, and see the other as "the problem." Little do they realize that they are taking their part of the dance with them. Without help, they are very likely to get into the same kind of dance, just with a different dancing partner.

Once they identify their part in the dance, I help them to make conscious changes in the pattern. If one gets more angry than the other, then they might try to switch their roles a little. One may feel 2/3 of the anger while the other only feels 1/3. They could work together to channel their anger into making constructive changes rather than take it out on each other. Then I help them to stabilize the new pattern. This is why marital therapy usually takes a 3-4 month commitment to see real change. Of course, people don't commit until they have established a rapport with the therapist and have decided for themselves that this is the course of treatment for them.

When BOTH partners are able to own their part in the relationship and work in unison toward improving the relationship - miraculous change can take place. This commitment by BOTH partners does not always take place. Marriage counseling does not always prevent divorce. One partner alone cannot "hold the marriage together". If divorce is ultimately chosen; it can take place with the least negative impact upon the partners, families and especially upon the children of divorce.

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Child Counseling and Therapy . . .

Children should be your prime consideration when experiencing a marriage, separation or divorce. Children don't have the "tools" to work through these changes and often need child counseling services. I work with both children and parents who are experiencing divorce, re-marriage and blended families.

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Family Counseling . . .

There is not much question that when a family is healthy and happy, all seems right in the world. The greatest joys that parents can experience are within the confines of a stable and healthy family relationship.

But not all families are stable, healthy and happy all the time. The stresses of modern life, the need for better work-life balance, a family crisis of one kind or another or mental health challenges for one or more family members can bring a family to its knees at any time.

Many families have built-in resiliency to many of these problems. But even the best families can feel a need for help beyond the family's own resources. Even a family, which by all outward appearances, is happy and stable, can experience its share of difficulties and crises. Most any family can benefit from working with a capable and professional marriage and family therapist to get over some of the bigger hurdles in their family story

Deciding if marriage and family therapy is right for your family can be a big decision. While it may feel initially like admitting defeat or failure; in reality, choosing family counseling can be a big step forward. Think of family counseling as adding some tools to your family's relationship toolbox. You can learn new ways to communicate, to work through problems, to gain discipline and to relate to one another.

If your family is experiencing one or more of these symptoms, it may be time to consider engaging my services.

• Family members have difficulty functioning in their normal capacity. Do you feel an "energy drain" in your family? Things that used to be routine and normal are now burdensome?
• Family members tend to have extreme emotional reactions. Do members of your family exhibit excessive anger, fear, sadness, depression or other emotional reactions?
• There is a significant breakdown in communication between family members. Do you find it harder to communicate than usual? Are you experiencing the "silent treatment" more often than usual?
• Family members are withdrawing from family life. Is there a new pattern of one or more family members going into seclusion?
• There are symptoms of violence or the threat of violence to oneself or other family members. Beyond normal "horseplay," do you feel that violence is a problem? Is there behavior that would be considered "assault" if it weren't between family members?
• Family members express feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. Do you feel that you have reached the end of your rope? Is coping with the stresses just too much to bear? Do you wonder if your family will ever recover?
• There have been changes in the children's behavior at home or school. Are grades taking a nosedive? What about attendance problems or disruptive behavior at school? Is one of the children out of control at home?
• The family has had a traumatic experience and members are having a hard time coping. Has there been a death in the family? A divorce or separation? An affair discovered? Is the family having difficulty adjusting to the new reality?
• Family members have substance abuse problems. Are there challenges with alcohol or drug use?

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SMILE — Pre Divorce 13th Circuit Court Requirement

You must complete the SMILE program prior to being granted a legal separation or divorce involving children under 18 years of age in these counties . . .

• Grand Traverse County
• Leelanau County
• Antrim County

SMILE — "Start Making It Livable for Everyone" — is an education program for separating or divorcing parents with children under the age of eighteen. The goals of the SMILE program are . . .

• To provide information to help parents better understand the effects of divorce.
• To help parents understand the needs of their children.
• To promote children's healthy adjustment to divorce.

SMILE is important because . . .

• It provides information to help parents better understand the effects of divorce.
• It assists parents to understand the needs of their children.
• It helps parents learn what they can do to create a nurturing and safe environment so that their children can recover from the divorce and feel good about themselves.
• It provides information to prevent destructive game-playing that is so common among divorced couples and their children.
• It helps parents gain problem solving skills.
• It lets parents know that they are not alone.
• It helps parents know how to be in touch with their children's pain and anguish.
• It shows parents how to stop making children victims of the divorce.

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Romance novels and movies would have us believe that when the chemistry is there between two people, marital bliss will automatically follow. However; assuming that marriage will be easy and blissful just because you are in love, is much like starting a business without a business plan.

When a relationship is new and exciting, it is easy to see only the good and to ignore the things you do not want to see. Disregarding the little things sets the stage for unhealthy habits. Over time the mole hills can become mountains.

Every couple inevitably faces conflict at some point in their marriage. It is important to strengthen your relationship and to prepare for future challenges and conflicts now while your relationship is young and you can more easily develop healthy ways of communicating and dealing with conflict and stress.

Couples today face more demands and have fewer support systems than ever before. The typical marriage - managing two careers while raising children - requires that couples have a solid foundation and skills to communicate, resolve issues and set goals. Without this foundation, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressures of everyday life. The major difference between those who are overcome by stress and those who overcome stress, is not the presence or absence of stress, but the ability to recognize the initial signs of stress and learn how to manage it.

Pre-marital counseling provides you with the opportunity to identify and assess the strengths and needs of both individuals in the relationship and to build lifelong skills that will strengthen not only your marriage, but your life in general.

Now is the time to make an investment in your upcoming marriage - an investment that will have huge returns. Pre Marital Counseling includes (but is not limited to) the following topics . . .

• Values and Goals
• Communication
• Intimacy and Sexuality
• Essential Emotional Needs
• Stress and Conflict Management
• Education in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
• Stages of Relationships

If you are in need of a non-denominational licensed Minister to perform your wedding ceremony, go to www.crystalyarlott.com or call Rev. Crystal Yarlott at: 231 938-1683.

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Contact
Questions?  Please contact me for further information.